BACK IN THE FIGHT!!

In the beginning, it all came so easy. I started Weight Watcher’s, changed my diet and began losing weight. I was feeling so good. I had more energy. I felt like I had finally conquered, what I call, “The thorn in my side”. After getting married and having children, I always seem to struggle with my weight. This time however, I really believed that the struggle was over. I even stood up before our church congregation and told them that I finally was in a place of victory and I wasn’t going back. WRONG!!!!! Without warning, I was completely blindsided! Like a boxer, in round 2, I was feeling a little weary and out of focus. Suddenly, I was hit with a left, then a right and BOOM, the uppercut made me weak at the knees and I was down for the count! “One, two, three…….”

I CHOOSE NOT TO BE DEVOURED!

There is something that happens whenever The Lord is about to move you to another level or Whenever something powerful is about to take place. The enemy tries to interrupt and or disrupt. He starts throwing things at you unexpectedly to cause you to trip and fall.

Death Brings Gratitude

Buzzzzz, buzzzzzz, my phone was vibrating and woke me out of a deep sleep. I didn’t recognize the number so, I ignored it. Buzzzz, buzzzz, it vibrated again so I answered. What I heard next, forever changed my life!!!

I was still shaky with sleep and my voice took a second to actually come out. “Hello” was all I could whisper. “My husband is dead”, was the response on the other end of my hello. There was no more sleepiness left in me. “What? Who is this?”  I asked half knowing who it was and hoping to be wrong. ” did you hear me? This is your daughter. My husband passed away!”

The details of that conversation will be seared into my brain forever. My daughter, a newlywed, is now a widow at 26 years old. Her husband, 24 was dead. Her father and I in Miami and she was thousands of miles away in Afghanistan, serving our country with the US Army. Her husband, also a soldier, found dead in their backyard in North Carolina. My mind immediately races with a million thoughts. I was taken back to the past, a place that seemed like yesterday. her as a baby. the image of how I would hold her close and she would snuggle into my neck until she fell asleep. Being able to comfort her was all I wanted to do. I had no answers for her “why’s?” No explanation for the situation. All I knew was, her pain was cutting much deeper than any knife could and it seemed, I could physically feel what she was feeling. It had to be the spiritual connection between a mother and her child.

The Army did a great job of getting her on the first plane out of Afghanistan. However, while she was in the air, we were having church service and letting everyone know we would be gone for as long as Rahjanni needed us.There was absolutely no way that we would not be in North Carolina when she landed. I needed to be with her and she needed us.

The travel time to North Carolina felt so long. Eric and I were unable to get seats together and my emotions were on a roller-coaster. I decided to pay for Internet access in order to stay in contact with Rahjanni. Unfortunately, she got stuck in Germany while we were in flight and the only contact between us was through Facebook. I didn’t need to hear her voice audibly or see her face. I knew her face was covered in tears and her eyes were swollen from crying and lack of sleep. I kept seeing myself holding her close and reassuring her that she would come out of this a much stronger person.

Well, needless to say, it has been 3 months since Chris died. Things didn’t go exactly as I imagined them. Rahjanni, is unbelievably strong. Her faith in The Lord, was her strong tower. She didn’t lose control or sight of reality at any point.  Like any woman who lost her husband, she had her moments of sobbing and questioning. However, she always pulled herself together. At times it even left me feeling unneeded. I wanted to be the coddling mother, but that wasn’t what she needed. I wanted to lay in bed with her and hold her close. That wasn’t what she needed. All she needed was our love and to know we were there for her.

She  took some time off to grieve. Not as much time as some may have expected, but exactly what she needed. “I need normalcy in my life.” “I want to get back to work.” Is what she told us. There are those that would have taken months, even years of grieving and drowning in sorrow. Not Rahjanni. She made a conscious decision to move on with her life. “Chris, will be the best memory I’ll ever have.” She told me. And what a memory it will be! Not just her memory but our memory. The memories we established while he was alive as well as in his death. The lessons, the love, the laughs and the tears will forever be part of our lives.

Losing someone you love is never easy but, losing someone you love that is young and healthy, is so much harder. The details of his death left everyone with unanswered questions but, even in his death, we all knew that he loved Rahjanni and wanted the very best for her. Knowing that, has helped to comfort me.  Rahjanni, will always have the love they shared between them to remember. Even  when she falls in love again one day, his memory won’t fade away.

As for me, I can’t change what happen to Chris but I can be more appreciative and thankful for each day I have. I can love harder and give praise to The Lord daily for all my blessings. For everyday that I open my eyes and hear my husband’s and children’s voices, I am grateful. For every breath I take, every sunset I see, every fresh breeze I feel, every good and bad day…..I am grateful!

My Written Prayer

Prayer Awakens (Photo credit: Kevin Shorter)

(This Prayer was written on June 10, 2013.  I apologize to all of you  for not posting for so long. There is so much to share. So, now I’m back!)

Lord, today I write my prayer. Not just for you to see but, also as a confessional to all who read it. I am ashamed of what I’ve done. I really believed that I had conquered my issue. I had a real taste of what it felt like to be so close to a goal, one that I had been wanting to reach. I was laughing in the enemy’s. face! I was confessing the victory! Calling myself  “an overcomer!” I felt like a new person. I was really starting to see myself the way I believe, you see me; beautiful, gifted, anointed and worthy.

Chasing Desperately After Him

Isn’t it a great feeling to be in the presence of someone you love and that loves you? To have great conversation, a few good laughs or even share some tears? How about just sitting in silence but knowing that the one you are sitting with understands you and accepts you? However, how would you feel if you were in a room with that same person but they never even looked your way. What if you were telling them how much you loved them but, they were preoccupied with something else? What would it be like to wrap your arms around that person, to let them know that you are there for them no matter what and they began to complain that they need more? Wouldn’t you feel irrelevant or insignificant? Of course you would! I would too!

Just recently, Sunday to be exact, I had an awesome experience, an experience that reminded me of how much I was loved, really, really loved. There were no words to be audibly heard. There were no physical gifts given. There was only the PRESENCE of God. I was completely wrapped in a blanket of love. The weight of His Glory felt like heaven had come down to meet earth and I was there in the midst of it. I was not alone in the room, I was in the middle of leading worship but it felt like I was alone in His Presence. I was reaching for my daddy because I wanted Him to know that I truly love Him. I took myself away from self-pity, from worldly stresses, from my own fleshly selfishness and just poured my love on Him with no strings attached. I put all my focus on Him and took the focus off of myself. In the midst of my worship, I realized how many times I had ignored Him as He spoke to me. I often expected from Him just because I felt like, “it was His job”. I complained of not being understood and feeling worthless at times, even though His Word clearly says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. It also tells me how much He loves me and how He would never leave me or forsake me. In all my brattiness, still, He was patient with me. Still, He received my worship and in return, He poured His manifested presence down on me. That’s all it took, my surrender, my worship, my appreciation, recognizing Abba for who He is and not for what He does.

Although I have always loved worship, Sunday brought me to a new place in my worship. I became a desperate worshiper, a God Chaser. I will desperately chase after Him, not for things but just because I love Him and long to be in His presence. I don’t ever want to be that selfishness, unappreciative, complaining daughter again.

My Life Saver

I was dragging a tremendous weight that was trying to pull me low.
Emotionally, I felt like a soap bubble floating,
fragile and ready to burst.
I was wrapped up in a blanket of heaviness
Pain and sorrow screaming in my ear,
” you can’t! you won’t! Never! Impossible!”
The light seemed so far away
darkness so close at hand.
“Help Me, oh Lord!” I screamed
Suddenly, in a moment,
Like a rushing wind against my skin,
I heard a voice, soft yet loud,
Tender and oh, so powerful!
“Lift up your eyes and look into the sky”
I opened my eyes and focused my attention above.
The beauty I saw was mesmerizing.
The sun was setting in the horizon.
The clouds were gently sitting in the sky.
Hues of color illuminating against the heavens,
Like a fiery storm of art work exploding before me.
Peace, peace, peace filled me
like a mighty rushing river, it quenched my longing.
Truth revealed His presence to me and
All my fears dissipated like a wind blown fog.
My doubts and worries began to fade away.
Again, the voice sounded from within my being,
“Who can paint the sky to greet the night?”
“Who can cause the trees to dance in praise?”
“Who can speak to the impossible and make it possible?”
“Who gives a dream and then makes it reality?”
“Who turns sorrow into joy?”
“Who gives beauty for ashes and strength for tears?”
Overwhelmed by pure love, I answered:
“Only You, Lord. Only You!”
In a breath, He lifted away the heaviness.
I no longer felt the weight pulling me low.
The darkness that encompassed me,
Was overtaken by His light.
I was free, cleansed, lifted from a low place
And set upon a mountain of faith and surety.
The blanket that now surrounds me
Is Revelation and truth!
I can boldly say;
“I am secure in You, Lord! I am secure in You!”

A Mother’s Gift

It was baffling, the way my mom always seemed to know when something was wrong with me. It was as if she had a spy following me around. There was very little that I could do that she would not find out about. All my sneaky planning, lying and excuse making was a waste, because without fail, I would be confronted by mom. I still remember clearly so many of “those” conversations we would have. Let me give you a visual:

Everyday Miracles

Everyday Miracles

Why are we so blind?
Why can’t we see the everyday miracles?
They surround us
they touch us
They speak to us
They scream at us
and yet, we don’t see.
Let’s open our eyes and look
Let’s be quiet and listen

Day breaks forth with the light of the sun…..
A miracle!
Birds sing songs of praise……
A miracle!
Clouds let down the mist and the rain….
A miracle!
The Spirit of God touches your face and you awaken….
A miracle!
The air you need is free to breathe……
A miracle!
The beauty of the sky and the sea
A miracle!
The feel of the wind against your face…..
A miracle!
A tender touch, a loving embrace
A miracle!
YOU…….A MIRACLE!

BECAUSE

This earth, although at times cruel and ugly, is heaven to me,
because you are with me.

The ocean, with it’s terrible waves crashing, will not cause me to shake or be afraid,
because you are with me.

Even through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not be fearful of evil,
because you are with me.

The sky, far and untouchable, becomes an easel of magnificent artwork,
because you are with me.

The sweet perfume of flowers rises up to greet me,
because you are with me.

My heart, filled with songs of praise, dances before you,
because you are with me.

The oil of Your anointing runs through my veins and I am completely saturated,
because You are with me.

Abba, I rejoice in knowing that Your Love for me is eternal. It will never end,
because You will never leave me!

Me, Myself and I: An Epiphany

 

Last Saturday, I decided to go to the mall. I had every intention of running in and quickly getting out. I did what I always do. I went into the parking garage, drove up to the fifth floor and quickly found a parking by the entrance.  I thanked the Lord for a good parking, got out of my car and proceeded into the mall. I had to pass the movie theater in order to get to the escalator. I noticed a few people buying tickets and I was a little surprised because it was only 10am. I thought; “who goes to a movie this early?” Apparently, many people do. Just before I got to the escalator, I heard Holy Spirit say, “Go and buy a movie ticket.” That sounded ridiculous to me! “Alone?” I thought. Why would I go to a movie and sit by myself? How absurd…..or was it?

There I was, Me, Myself and I, standing at the ticket counter. “One ticket for  ‘Sparkle’ please.” I looked around to see if I knew anyone. Who knows, maybe I would run into a friend and sit with her or maybe I was just hoping that no one I knew would see me alone at a movie. I didn’t want anyone assuming that my husband (who was spending time with our sons) and I were fighting or that I had become a pitiful person with no friends (I am so dramatic!). The attendant handed us (Me, Myself and I) the ticket. I thanked him, went to the concession stand and bought a pretzel and an ice tea. I gathered myself and walked into the theater all alone, like a professional movie goer.

it was only half full so I had a pretty good choice of seats. I went about half way up and chose a seat close to the aisle. I felt a little awkward but, I got comfortable and waited for the movie to begin. While I waited, I had a little discussion with the Lord (Abba):

ME:“So, why did You want me to come into a movie alone?”

ABBA: “Are you alone? I’m here with you.”

ME: “I know. You’re always with me.”

ABBA: “I Am always with you and I enjoy our time spent together.

I want You to enjoy our time as well, but you have to learn to

enjoy ‘YOU’ the way I enjoy You.”

That short conversation really made me think. Why had I always felt negatively towards doing things by myself? Was it because I didn’t like who I was or was I subconsciously avoiding realities that I was afraid to face? I realize that it was a little of both. I have shared with you in previous blogs that I’m going through a process of improvement in my life. Before anything can improve, you have to know what to work on. In order to do that, all the junk must be exposed. I began to converse with myself (not out loud, of course!):

ME: “Okay, there’s a first for everything and today is our (Me, Myself and I) first time alone at the movies.

We can choose to make the best of it or fret over it.”

MYSELF:  “What if this is a sad movie and you begin to cry? What if it’s a funny movie and you laugh out loud?”

I: “Well, I guess that would only be proof that you are okay. If it’s sad, it’s okay to cry and if it’s funny,

it’s okay to laugh.”

As simple as it may sound, it was my epiphany. I AM OKAY. Being okay may not sound like anything special but it can grow into something special. So it has been decided that only with time by MYSELF, getting to know ME,  will I become who ABBA created me to be….more than okay, SPECIAL!

Hey, are you wondering how the movie went? I had a wonderful time! I laughed and I cried. I felt great being with myself and knowing that the Lord was encouraging me to enjoy ME time. It will not be the last time I make time for ME, MYSELF and I. Maybe next time, I’ll go to a restaurant or have a picnic on the beach.

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.”  2 Corinthians 5:17